More Movie Remakes: A – M

So, long ago, I wrote a post on movies that didn't need to be remade. The inspiration was a remake of Conan the Barbarian. At that time, I threatened a sequel, as there certainly were many more films that I hadn't addressed. Well, today I will follow up on that threat, in honor of the new Ghostbusters.

To be clear, I haven't seen the new Ghostbusters, and I have seen reviews that are generally favorable. That's beside the point. By remaking a movie, you're making the statement that the original was unsatisfactory and that if only someone more competent, such as yourself, was acting in it or directing it, it would be more perfect. The fact that the new version has a female cast is completely irrelevant. There are a lot of really funny women who can act.

In the case of Ghostbusters, the problem is that the original was as nearly perfect as possible. The casting included some of the great comic talent of the day and virtually everyone contributed some of their best work to what was an ensemble movie. The only person who clearly isn't thrilled to be there was Sigourney Weaver, who, from the stories that have escaped, was utterly frustrated by the fact that the rest of the cast freely ad-libbed new lines, played cheesy practical jokes, and generally behaved like a bunch of middle-school students with a substitute teacher. Personally, I believe that those stories are probably true, because you can see that the cast, minus Weaver, has developed that pitch-perfect timing that can only happen when funny people hang out together, being funny.

The biggest and most important character of all in the original movie was the city itself. New York City is one of the greatest character actors ever to grace the silver screen and New York in the early eighties was as good as it got. The mayor, the police and fire commissioners, the archbishop, Larry King, Casey Kasem; all of these were New York City. Who would you pick today to so epitomize the city? Donald Trump and Derek Jeter? What does New York look like now? It's safe, professional, clean, and successful. As a character, it's nothing but a walk-on.

Could a great movie have been made as a sequel? Possibly. Maybe even probably. Let the boys claim credit for turning New York into what it has become. Let them be successful and balding and sloppy, mourning Egon Spangler's passing. Make Walter Peck the Director of the EPA. Let Venkman see the opportunity to sell out one more time to a bunch of kids who grew up worshiping the Ghostbusters. After all, what could go wrong? Except somewhere, deep in a basement, one of Egon's last contraptions reboots and comes up to the password screen. Without him to type it in, a series of unfortunate events takes place and suddenly ghosts start popping up again. 

It might work, with good casting and a good director. But in any case, it would be better than remaking a brilliant original.

So what else has been remade, that didn't need it?

Annie — Not because the 1982 version was terrific, but because there was no way that any version was going to be any better. Making Annie and Warbucks black didn't change the characters, it just changed their skin color. A meaningful black version would be a very different story. It could be very good, but it would be as much like Annie as West Side Story is like Romeo and Juliet.

Arthur — I hated the original, but you're not going to beat Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli, and John Geilgud. Oh yeah, and Burt Bacharch and Christopher Cross wrote the theme, which was played at every slow dance for a decade. The original brought in seven times as much, adjusted for inflation.

Assault on Precinct 13 — Uh, yeah. If only John Carpenter knew how to make a creepy action movie on the budget that most movies put aside for breakfast pastries. Oh, that's right. He did. Good acting, lots of close-ups, claustrophobia, and paranoia. And keep the plot really, really simple. Boy, it's a shame that the 2005 version couldn't remember any of those.

Bedazzled — Here we have Harold Ramis on the other side of the mistake. Once again, the problem is that the original is perfectly matched to its time and brilliantly cast. I have nothing against Brendan Fraser or Elizabeth Hurley. I love seeing Elizabeth Hurley. Two hours of Hurley walking around on a stage would be fine by me. But she is never going to be a better Devil than Peter Cook. And there are very, very few comedy teams to match Dudley Moore and Peter Cook.

Of course, the original had Rachel Welch playing Lust, and to be fair, I'd certainly be willing to put up with watching two hours of Rachel Welch pole-dancing.

If I had to.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari — Your smartphone camera and a $1.99 app can take a photo of people lying on the ground at Fredericksburg, Virginia that has the same acid edges and excessive contrast of a Matthew Brady print. That doesn't make the two equal in value.

Dawn of the Dead/Day of the Dead — Go back to the comments for Assault on Precinct 13. Substitute "George Romero" for John Carpenter. I am reminded about a quote made about Willie Mosconi: "He could beat you with a broom that had a felt tip glued on the end and then he'd sweep the joint out afterwards." It's not the tools that make the craftsman. It's the craftsman who makes the tools.

Death Race — Okay, Death Race 2000 is not art. It's not even close to art. Paul Simon is better friends with Art Garfunkel than Death Race 2000 is with Cinematic Art. Still, once again you have a movie that perfect captures the time when it was made, with camp and political commentary, being remade into an special effects extravaganza that tries to combine The Fast and Furious with a Mad Max movie.

The Day the Earth Stood Still — Why? Keanu Reeves as Klaatu? For the love of god, why?

Fame — We didn't need the first one, so why would we need the second? I don't watch television, but from what Aphrodite and the Bug tell me, Glee worked quite well and had the advantage of being funny and poignant.

The Fantastic Four — As a rule, I don't like superhero movies. I find them formulaic and boring. I think the fact that they can be rebooted multiple times with more or less the same plot, but with different actors says a lot about them.

Flight of the Phoenix — What a waste of talent, including the wonderful Miranda Otto. Giovanni Ribisi is a great character actor, but convincing people that he knows how to design an aircraft? I wouldn't trust him to successful design an outhouse. In the original, you had Jimmy Stewart (who was a former bomber group commander), Richard Attenborough, Earnest Borgnine and Peter Finch. Looking at the bookshelves, I don't see any particular shortage of decent stories that could be made into good movies, especially given a quality cast and a big budget. Why remake a relatively obscure movie that most who have seen it would agree was a classic?

Fun With Dick and Jane — Fame meets the Flight of the Phoenix. Let's take a bomb of a movie that certainly didn't fail because of a lack of acting talent, replace those actors with a new set and make a bomb of a movie that certainly didn't fail because of a lack of acting talent.

Get Carter — Because when I ask myself the question: who is the next Michael Caine? Sylvester Stallone is the first name to pop into my head. 

Godzilla / King Kong — Eventually someone will do the perfect giant creature destroying Tokyo/New York movie. This will precipitate the End Times, as predicted by the Mayans.

Guess Who — Because a 2005 movie about a mixed-race couple is bound to be more risque than the same movie in 1967. Especially when the earlier one was saddled with Stanley Kramer as director and could only scrape up Sidney Portier, Spencer Tracy, and Katharine Hepburn to fill out the cast.

Halloween — What's the idea behind remaking horror movies? You know the plot. You know the twists. It's not like you can't simply write a new one. All you need is a gimmick.

A summer camp built on the site of an old logging camp (axe-wielding serial killer). A youth hostel built on the site of an old abattoir (meat hook-wielding serial killer). A hipster coffee shop built on the site of an old diner (spatula-wielding serial killer). Okay, maybe not that last one.

High Noon — [head thunk]

The Hitcher — If I were faced with the choice of Sean Bean or Rutger Hauer as a psychotic serial killer stalking me, I'm going with Bean, every time. The guy turns out to be a loser in every movie.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas — They're doing it yet again in 2018. The original had Boris Karloff narrate and Thurl Ravenscroft sing. If you need more than that, maybe Dr. Suess isn't for you.

The Italian Job — Because when I ask myself the question: who is the next Michael Caine? Mark Wahlberg is the first name to pop into my head.

The Longest Yard — I sincerely doubt that there is any movie ever made that could be improved by reshooting it with Adam Sadler replacing the leading man.

The Manchurian Candidate — A psychological cold-war thriller about McCarthyism should be redone as a crappy sci-fi movie. Also, I despise Meryl Streep.

The Mechanic — They did remake it. From all accounts, if you cared at all about the first movie, you hated it. If you never saw the first movie, you were apathetic. That's the kind of response that would keep me making movies.