Sometimes in the Night

Charles Schultz understood.

Some People Need More Help Than Others

So, on Amazon, I came across a box of colored pencils. They are highly rated and reasonably priced. I did notice that there were a surprising number of questions associated with them, which puzzled me. The first question was: "Are the pencils marked what color they are?" Six people answered, all saying some variation on "No, they are not."

When I look at these pencils, the question, "What color is this pencil?" doesn't come to mind. Clearly I lack imagination. I see several green pencils, a few yellows, a white, a black, etc. Perhaps if you can't tell what color the pencil is, you shouldn't be using them. I mean, if you want your leaves to be dark green, you pick up the dark green pencil. If you're looking for early spring leaves, you pick up a lighter green.

I could understand, if these were professional graphic artist tools, how someone might want the Pantone number on the pencil, although I would argue that because of variation in coloring style, it would be meaningless. It's kind of sad to think that there are people wandering this Earth who can't buy colored pencils because they are confused between which one is lilac and which is lavender.

Spam

I, like most people these days, have multiple e-mail addresses. There is my work address, my public address, my private address, and a couple of odd accounts that I use for specific purposes (like my gmail account, which pretty much exists to make my Android equipment easier to use). There's a reason for this, of course. Mail to my private address tends to be from family and friends, while my public account is filled with receipts, ads, job offers, and the occasional Nigerian 411 scam.

The quality of spam filtering varies on these accounts. My work e-mail is protected by a psychotic series of filters that includes the best heuristics and black-listing that money can buy. My Yahoo account has Yahoo working to filter it and my private e-mail has something like SpamAssassin installed at my service provider. What makes this interesting are the occasional inappropriate messages that make it through.

At work, the few that make it through have two general characteristics: they are addressed to one of the large mailing lists and they are genuine, first-class spam. The content is either highly inappropriate or accompanied by an attachment that absolutely screams "I'm a virus!" The stuff that leaks through Yahoo is generally pretty boring. For the most part, they're someone who has figured out a way to camouflage Viagra and Cialis well enough to sneak past the Bayesean filters, or ads for financial companies.

My private e-mail's spam falls into a few key categories that are worth mentioning (in increasing order of offensiveness):

1) Offers for business seminars and management training. These make me think that one of my friends or family has been hacked at some point and his or her contact list has been sold.

2) Gonzo messages. These are the ones with random words or the occasional line from a book or movie. I've dissected these forensically and there is nothing contained within them that would make sending or receiving them useful to anyone.

3) Knock-off/Replica goods. These are offers to sell me knock-offs or replicas of Rolex, Louis Vuitton, and other brand names. They make no effort to pretend to sell the real stuff.

4) Romantic offers. These are the offers to hook me up with the girl or guy of my dreams. The ones that pretend to be from old flames are more offensive, primarily since the implication is that I have somehow forgotten a past dalliance that should now be renewed. Trust me, any romantic adventures that I've forgotten are best left that way.

5) Pharmaceutical offers. These come in spurts. (Boy, that line sounds a lot worse in retrospect.) For some reason, I'll receive a batch of offers for some or all of the drugs that are commonly offered this way, then months will go by before the next batch gets through.

6) Educational offers. The amount of spam dedicated to telling me that a college degree could improve my career opportunities is amazing. I wish that I had known how easy it is to get a degree before I spent all those years in classrooms.

7)  And, without a doubt, the least effective spam in the world (drum roll, please): The bottomless barrage of broadsides bemoaning my basic behavior in bed. The propaganda poking put-downs at the performance of my personal package. Yes, I'm referring to the "Male Enhancement" ads. Why and how these pour through the spam filter is a mystery to me, but boy howdy, do I get them. Herbal supplements that guarantee results that would make a stallion blush, sure-fire techniques for satisfying my mate (the gender non-specificity is a nice touch), and those promising to make me perform like a teenager (which I presume means stammering in front of women and having an acne breakout before each date).

What inspired this posting was an e-mail that slipped through the Yahoo filters this morning from the sender "Sacred Hair Growth". I had to open it to see what it could possibly be. The answer were the two words "Canadian pornstars". This is so transcendently gonzo that it's almost zen-like. It certainly inspired me to wonder if there were scenes of lumberjacks showing up to discover slumber parties going on.

This line of thinking caused me to remember back a few years to 2005. I had the same e-mail address for twelve years. Not only that, but it had been published in several computer books that I had co-authored and had certainly been scattered to the four winds on several newgroups and forums. As a result, I got spam like you wouldn't believe. Since my ISP made no effort to block it, I was getting 150-200 unwanted messages a day. This led me to set up my own filtering system, using SpamAssassin and a few other tools. The thing about rolling your own is that it requires constant maintenance to keep black- and white-lists updated, as well as the tuning of the Bayesean filters.

In practice, scanning through the logs let me discover the concept of the fetish of the month. For whatever reason, pornographic spam has a tendency to focus on different subjects, rotating on a fairly regular basis. I wondered, but never enough to try to find out, whether this was based upon looking for the most common key words in Google searches, or if it was more or less random. Nevertheless, I discovered a great deal about the rather interesting interests of my fellow netizens.

I watched as various ethnic groups and nationalities had their moment in the sun, only to fade when the next group came along. I saw ads aimed at those with an interest in latex, vinyl, leather, and rubber. There were an amazing number of ads for amateur wives, where amateur was misspelled in more ways than you would imagine possible. These inspired the question, "Are there professional wives?", but I digress. Various age groups were promoted, usually falling into the categories of teens, young, older, and mature. This naturally inspired subjects like "Mature Russian Amateur Teen Wives", which topped off the great Russian explosion of 2003.

Throughout all of this, I remained uncurious enough not to pursue any of the topics offered. At least until the great balloon fetish burst into my inbox. One week, almost like magic, much of the spam suddenly focused upon balloons. Not one or two e-mails,  but literally hundreds of messages, all purporting to deliver the finest in balloon erotica.

Now, I have never lived what I would call a sheltered life, but this was new to me. It boggled the mind to imagine what could possibly be a turn-on about balloons. As more and more of these messages poured in, the inevitable happened and I cracked. I Googled "balloon fetish" and opened a few of the sites.

So what is a balloon fetish, you might ask? I'll tell you. These sites consisted of pictures of women and balloons. The women tended to be young, late teens or early twenties. For the most part they were dressed, albeit sometimes in bikinis or nightwear. The balloons were the kind of party balloons that you've blown up before. And the women were playing with the balloons.

No, really. They were throwing the balloons into the air, or holding them in front of themselves. At times, the women would be popping the balloons, usually by sitting or stepping on them. That's it. Almost without exception, these sites wouldn't have warranted a PG-13 rating, let alone an adult-only.

In a strange way, I found this gratifying. Not the balloons, mind you; a typical shampoo commercial is more pornographic. No, the satisfying part was discovering that there are people out there (I presume mostly men) whose idea of a good time is watching someone pop balloons.

Come on, admit it. Doesn't knowing that make you feel a little bit more normal, too?

Houston, We Have a Problem

Years before the publication of "The Bible Code", Jerry Woodfill was finding hidden meaning in the Bible. Of course, so has everyone else. What makes Woodfill's interpretation interesting is that he was a NASA engineer on the Apollo program. As you might guess, this means that he finds space exploration tidbits salted away among the parables. What makes his findings really interesting is his record for crying wolf. You see, Woodfill was no ordinary engineer - he was the Apollo 11 Warning System Engineer. It was his system that kept flashing the "1201 Program Alarm" that indicated that Neil Armstrong should abort the descent.

Woodfield waxes eloquent about the "amazing correlation" between the moon landing and a verse in the Old Testament. What is this verse? Obadiah 1:4, which reads (in the King James Version): "Though thou exalt thyself as the eagle, and though thou set thy nest among the stars, thence will I bring thee down, saith the LORD."

Get it? Eagle. Stars. What more could you want?

Woodfill explains it all

Returning to the words of the Prophet Obadiah, an EAGLE would SET ITS NEST AMONG THE STARS. As the ancients looked heavenward, the Moon was said to be among the stars. Obviously, no biological creation of God, even an eagle, can achieve escape velocity of seven and a half miles per second. Additionally, eagles require oxygen which is absent in outer space. Therefore, Obadiah’s eagle must be a spaceship named Eagle. Certainly, it would not be the Soviet’s craft. The American eagle embodied all that communism opposed: free enterprise, Christianity, the independent freedoms of citizens. The Soviet’s ship would have been the BEAR, their regime’s mascot.

Creepy, eh? It gets better

There is then a valid application of the number 13 to a space mission. Does it demonstrate God’s plans and purposes as an after-the-fact element of testimony? Using 13 in a Bible sense shows forth praise for what God accomplished. This requires knowledge of thirteen’s meaning in scripture. As a frustrated college math student, I inventoried Bible stories that dealt with numbers. Thankfully, this exercise dealt with arithmetic not the advanced differential equation course I failed in my junior year. The story of Joshua’s army marching around Jericho for seven days came to mind. Turning to the account, I read: "On the seventh day, Joshua marched around Jericho SEVEN TIMES." A quick tally of Jericho orbits was once each day for six days then seven orbits on the seventh day. Six plus seven equals 13 times. And what happened? There was an explosion of sorts, the sudden destruction of massive stone fortifications. The walls crumbled in response to the Israelites’ shout. This certainly was a convincing Bible definition of thirteen as far as Apollo 13 was concerned : DESTRUCTION, COLLAPSE, perhaps, AN EXPLOSION. Even Joshua’s march around Jericho matched Apollo 13’s intended orbit around the Moon. Furthermore, the name Jericho in Hebrew means MOON.

Woodfield isn't finished, though

But most remarkable are the first words spoken from the Moon, "Houston, Tranquillity Base, the Eagle has landed." The word, Houston is derived from hus meaning spirit and ton meaning town or place of dwelling. In a spiritual sense, Armstrong unknowingly communicated to the place where the Holy Spirit dwells.

Actually, Houston (the city) is named after Sam Houston, first President of the Republic of Texas. Houston's (the person) name is Scottish and derives from the Old English spelling of Hughstown, which was a settlement south of Glasgow. Woodfill's site also discusses the Mayflower, Christopher Columbus, and the Challenger, all with the same insightful presentation.

In the end, it must be admitted that Woodfill is mostly harmless. The only people likely to take it seriously have already drunk the Kool Aid. At least he doesn't deny the Moon landings took place, he only claims that they were biblically presaged.

Water, Water, Everywhere

I bet that you think that water is that H2O stuff that they taught you about back in the second grade. If you wasted too many years in institutions of "higher learning", as Tentakles and I have, you probably have all sorts of details about bond lengths and angles crammed back in the cobwebs of your head. Well, friends, John Ellis is going to prove you wrong.

Mr. Ellis has invented a machine that fixes everything that's wrong with water. "What's wrong with water?" I hear you asking alliteratively. Well, according to Ellis

ANY LAB will tell you, many other health promoting activities can't work without the ELECTRONS found in CHARGED WATER because OXYGEN levels have dropped to as low as 8%, in today's water molecules, they are SMALLER and CAN'T HOLD the additional donor ELECTRONS (from OXYGEN) needed to make them work!! As a result, VIRUSES and BACTERIA are mutating out of control... CAUSING almost ANY problem you can name!

He goes on to add

MOST VITAMINS CAN'T WORK because there aren't enough donor electrons to make them work! It's like a leaf that falls off of a tree, the nutrients are still there, but it's ELECTRICALLY DEAD...they must be reactivated by ELECTRONS! Since OUR WATER MOLECULES are LARGER (as any lab will confirm), they HOLD MORE ELECTRONS...like it was when OXYGEN was at38% and rainwater was highly charged, potentially explaining the incredible ages mentioned in the BIBLE! THAT'S WHAT OUR PRODUCT DOES, nature's way!

Fortunately for us, Ellis' machine uses

A PATENTED METHOD OF EXPANSION AND CONTRACTION OF THE WATER MOLECULES SEVERAL TIMES/MINUTE TO CONSUME OXYGEN, WHILE TAKING ON DONOR ELECTRONS!

In fact

This was recently confirmed again by a Bio-Tech firm that tested TWO of our fine-tuned machines in their labs. Most importantly, our water molecule is LARGER with the same molecular weight as an ordinary water molecule and since the electrons kill viruses, they are using the water for proprietary medical applications. They also found the angle between the hydrogen atoms is 10 degrees greater, the viscosity is different and it has a beautiful crystalline structure at ROOM TEMPERATURE that is dodecahydronal (12 planes).

Now, how much would you pay for such a marvel? Before you answer, listen to some of the Wonders (Ellis' word) that his water can do

Treat a well (one time) with only 10 gallons and it lasts for years! Also, this water will eliminate the smell in waste lagoons and septic systems (it kills only bad bacteria)! When you drink either water you won’t smell up your septic system with the horrible smell of disease!!

In all the dairy farms we treated the contaminated water contained bacteria, parasites, fungus, chemicals and viruses and it was coming straight through into the milk. Once the water was treated, the milk was no longer contaminated. This would hold true for nursing mothers as well.

In another case, a woman wanted their well treated but her husband was dragging his feet so their oldest son did it. In the process, he broke a rusty part of the well head. When the husband went to look at the well head a day or two later he found the broken area and pipe as shiny as new. He’s a believer now!

Another family was watering two horses from a large tub and it took the horses 7 days to drink all that water. After the water treatment the two horses would drink that much water in only 3 days!

Another family that raises dogs always had to deal with the green, slimy watering pans. After the treatment, the problem was gone.

Another family wanted their well treated but the husband wasn’t convinced in spite of telling him story after story until they put a 5 gallon bucket of the water out in the sun for one week, nothing happened… no green. So, he said, leave it another week… still nothing. The proof was in the bucket. After they went ahead and treated the well, the neighboring house noticed a change in their well water also. The water traveled the vein and purified their water also!

Ellis' site is filled with such heartwarming testimonials as

"After a serious accident, I was barely able to move. Now, in a short while, I am stronger than I was 20 years ago!"
M.M. Londonderry, NH

"A problem I had for 12 months stopped immediately!"
R.G. Mariposa, CA

"I lost 10 pounds in 3 weeks and so did my wife. A plant that hasn't bloomed in 3 years bloomed!"
J.C. Gulf Breeze, FL

My test revealed properties so amazing, I am using it for proprietary medical use!"
Dr. G. A. Torrance, CA

"A friend in Texas said his gray from his hair is disappearing! Already, 25% of my wife's hair has turned dark and 50% of mine!"
R.H. Anoka, MN

So, friend, having heard all that, what would you pay for such a marvel? For a limited time, the LWM ELECTRON 3™ is only $1,500. That's a savings of $495 off the suggested retail price of $1,995. But, as they say, there's more: for only two hundred dollars more, you can upgrade to the LWM ELECTRON 4™, which is

Same as LWM ELECTRON 3™ but with levels 15 times higher (with CORNING™) in passing vapor through an air gap.

I can hear you saying, "But, Hephaestus. I have real water problems. If I don't get help, I'm shuffling off this mortal coil." For you, and you alone, Ellis has the LWM ELECTRON 5™. This is the BIG ONE folks. It'll set you back $2,800, but look at what it can do

Same as Electron 4™ except with twice the oxygen and electron output with two bulbs and a more powerful transformer!! 50 Years ago oxygen was much higher in the atmosphere and you rarely heard of people with cancer and diabetes etc. Today, oxygen is much lower and, as a result, it's an epidemic. This is the only product that keeps blood oxygen levels high! Also, we break down the hydrogen bonds so blood gets to the extremities.

Customer: "I went for a physical and the doctor said I was one person in a million. My blood oxygen levels are near 100%!!"

You can't develop these problems with high blood oxygen levels and these are the only products that can do that.

Diabetic: "I was already scheduled for surgery to remove my foot one week after I received your machine. That's how close I came to losing my foot...one week! If I had listened to those pure water companies I would have lost my foot!!"

Now, Ellis makes the point that his machine is covered by US Patent 4,612,090. In the interest of saving you time, I've read his patent and the fifteen claims that it makes. None of them even touch on wonderous. In fact, it's a patent for a two-vessel, self-regulating boiler.

The patent states

This invention constitutes an improvement over prior known distilling apparatus including the apparatus disclosed in applicant's prior United States patent in that it embodies a novel and improved small boiler including instantaneous heating means, a condenser and a reservoir which provides an automatic supply of water to the boiler and may function to cool the condenser. With this arrangement, the water in the reservoir, as will be shown, circulates to and from the boiler to repeatedly interrupt boiling and heat thus imparted to the water in the reservoir together with the heat at least part of which may be imparted by the condenser will heat the water in the reservoir to a temperature that will effectively boil off chemical constituents of the water and the time required for operation of the distiller in order to produce a distillate free of chemicals and undesirable odors is materially reduced.

Another object of the invention resides in the provision of novel and improved water distillation apparatus which not only avoids control means for feeding water from a reservoir to a boiler but also embodies an arrangement and organization of elements wherein all portions of both the reservoir and boiler are readily accessible for cleaning and maintenance.

A still further object of the invention resides in the provision of hot distilled and substantially odor-free water for the brewing of coffee and tea as well as for use in the preparation of other foods such as soups and the like.

A still further object of the invention resides in the provision of a novel and improved water degasification and distillation apparatus characterized by its simplicity, ease of operation and maintenance and relativly low cost.

A still further object of the invention resides in the provision of a novel and improved boiler for the distillation of water which minimizes the accumulation of foam in the boiler caused by salts, detergents and other water contaminents which can contaminate the water being distilled.

He goes on to add

Means may also be provided in association with the tank for feeding condensed distilled and degasified water into brewing apparatus for making coffee, tea or merely provide hot water for other purposes.

Strong stuff indeed! That odor free coffee water will do wonders for the diabetes. His patent 6,409,888 adds an ozone generator to the apparatus, while 5,203,970 adds a mechanical stirrer and optional oversized filter.

The sad fact is, there are probably hundreds of people who have sent Ellis a good chunk of change to get one of his coffee water distillers. Unfortunately, the Justice Department doesn't fill its halls with scientists or engineers, so Ellis and his kind are likely to continue to remain in the miracle business.

So, Tell Me How You Really Feel

Seen on a bumper sticker: Only criminals, terrorists, and Democrats fear an armed populace.