Three Bullets for Ringo (1966)

Inventory

• Gordon Mitchell
• Mickey Hargitay

Inventory

• Behind the back shot
• Two chinese bodyguards
• A saloon gunfight
• A street fight
• A dying mother
• Three deeds in a box
• A funky afro-gypsy indian ritual
• A six-barreled cannon

Summary

The movie begins in good style, with guitar music and men's choir doing the "Ahhhh, ahhhh" thing, stock photos of pistols (all cocked), and the worst sound effects ever of a Winchester being cocked and fired. Gordon Mitchell's and Mickey Hargitay's names both show up before the title, which means that they either had the greatest agents ever, or the standard for being a box office draw was once much, much lower. The title in the title sequence is 3 Colpi di Winchester per Ringo, which seems to be rather specific. Cutting back on the product placement probably helped to fit it onto American marquees.

Without too much ado, a pair of gunfighters are hired to recover a woman from a gang of Mexican bandits who have kidnapped her. This is accomplished with considerable more ease than you might expect, especially considering the price that they charge.

When Daddy tries to welch on paying the gunfighters, they proceed to have the most stunningly apathetic gunfight in the saloon, at least until the banker shows up and everyone stops shooting and walks away peacefully.

As an aside, no one seems to have any idea of what two hundred ounces of gold weighs, as they pour out a dozen coins onto the counter and call it good.

Once things settle down, it turns out that one of the gunfighters, Ringo Carson, has a long standing relationship with the daughter. Or, to be more accurate, a long laying relationship. The other, Frank Sanders, is rather jealous of this relationship, which puts a strain upon the partnership. The two demonstrate that they are equally bad at pretending to brawl as they are at pretending to shoot. I don't normally like to complain about the continuity in these movies, but if you're going to have one guy knock another to the ground, when he hops up swinging, it should be the same one who fell. Finally, Frank has had enough, proclaims the woman to be not worth the fight, and rides out of town.

In a matter of the next couple of minutes, Ringo is reconciled with his estranged mother, marries Jane, becomes a father, the Civil War ends, and he is appointed sheriff. We know the war ends because of a caption, in Italian, which says so while someone in a nineteenth century Spanish uniform dies on the screen.

A few seconds after this sequence, the stage brings in a dying man who says that renegade Southerners are shooting up the place. Ringo says goodbye to his son, who appears to be about nine years old, and heads out to fight the rebels, who are wearing brand new Confederate (Spanish) uniforms. He rescues a little boy from a burning building, but is blinded when a beam from the roof falls onto his head. Fortunately for him, the leader of the rebels is his former partner, Frank, who brings him back to his home.

Within minutes, Jane's father, who's a gun runner, and Daniels, the Banker, offer Frank the sheriff's job. Fortunately for everyone, the Doctor does mention that in some cases a second blow to the head will cause the eyesight to return.

Now, at this point, the story gets a little unbelievable. No, really. It gets worse. Much worse. The conclusion is genuine batshit crazy.

As I said earlier, I don't like to complain about continuity, but people walk into a building in the dark and out a few minutes later in full daylight. At one point you can see daylight out a window, while the doorway next to it is open to the night.

By the way, IMDB calls it Three Graves for a Winchester, which makes no sense whatsoever.

In the obscure connections line, Mickey Hargitay was the husband of Jayne Mansfield for six years and three children.

Dialogue

"Jane, I'm sorry about this little mix-up, honey. They didn't harm you, did they?"

"No, but it wasn't a picnic, Pa. The whole thing was revolting, as usual, and I won't do it again."

"A bit of whisky, missy?"

She takes a slug and continues, "The first time I was taken by cattle rustlers, the second time by indians, just to get you to pay ransom. I'm getting tired of being your daughter."

Story

This movie is 87 minutes long including the credits. Beyond a doubt, that is at least 85 minutes longer than necessary. The dialogue is ridiculous and the plot defies description. This is as close as I've come to just turning one of these movies off.

Music

Once again, passable music.

Acting

Whoever dubbed the leads seems to have believed that a cowboy drawl sounds like a mentally handicapped person with a speech impediment. They speak the words at a normal pace, but with a painful pause between each word and a flat inflection.

The best actor in the movie is a horse who gets shot and lays down, pretending to be dead. Unfortunately for the director, the horse proceeds to get up and fall down dead twice more in the background of the scene. At the end, he's walking around waiting for his next cue.